


Chasing moments

by lonelyshadow



Category: X-Men (Movies), X-Men: First Class (2011) - Fandom
Genre: Alternate Universe - Human, Cancer, Charles is a Professor, Emotions, F/M, Friends to Lovers, M/M, Pain, Suffering, Terminal Illnesses
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-02
Updated: 2015-02-04
Packaged: 2018-03-05 00:12:49
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 5
Words: 15,690
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3097778
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lonelyshadow/pseuds/lonelyshadow
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Charles suddenly discovers that he is seriously ill. At work he meets mysterious, handsome men- Erik Lehnsherr. Xavier accidentally drags him into his affairs. As time goes by, they fall in love but Charles' disease stands in the way of their happiness.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. At First Sight

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first fanfiction in English so please, have mercy on me. I know, I make a lot of mistakes. I am so sorry ^.^"  
> I decided to write that, because of one, lovely person, who wanted to read something similar.  
> Anyway, hope you like it.

The morning sunlight through the window felt warm on his face. Charles opened his eyes lazy and took a deep breath. It was morning. Time for a quick breakfast and getting ready for work. It seemed to just another ordinary day, isn't it? So Charles put some clothes on. Very nice and neatly. White shirt, black trousers and that lovely, old-fashioned, blue sweater with the V shaped front neckline. His sister- Raven used to repeat, that one day she will throw it away, but Charles didn't listen. He loved all his clothes. Even if most of them were out-of-date.

“You work too much Raven.” He told her once, sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of tea, in their small apartment.

“Stop saying that, Charles.” The girl answered, putting her coat on . Raven was a waitress in a lovely café just across the street, but usually she was working all day long and earn not much money. Charles didn't understand why the job means that much to her.

“But you don't have to work.”

“Yeah, I know. Pick me up at six, okay?” She stopped her preparations for a moment to catch his eye.

“Okay...” He said a little bit subdued.

 

* * *

 

At the university, where he was working as a teacher, Charles noticed something new. Well, someone, to be sure. Few weeks ago his workmate and friend- Moira had to quit her job. She used to teach engineering science, before she became really ill. All that Charles knew about her story was that she went abroad for a surgery.

University authorities wasted no time. They already hired someone to replace her, but there was no chance to replace Moira in Charles' heart.

“ _Just another tall, handsome man with chocolate brown hair and mystery, dusty blue eyes..._ ” He thought, when he saw that man next to cloakroom.

“ _Wait! What!? Put yourself together, Xavier. He's not that good to be a reason of being late for my own... Shit! What time is it!?_ ” Clock on the wall next to the cloakroom was showing the right time. It didn't matter how much Charles wanted him to lie.

Suddenly Xavier began to run and didn't notice, that the man from cloakroom looked at him over his shoulder, but all that he saw was his back.

 

* * *

 

At 5:47 p.m. he was at the café for Raven. It wasn't too far. Just two streets from the university and we are there.

After that, what happened at work, Charles was stressed and and upset. First, he turned all of his anger against the not-that-good-man, but later he came to the conclusion that he himself is the one to blame. Who told him to stare at strangers and forget about the whole world? Charles was trying to explain himself how it was in fact, but he had a quaint issue...

“ _The new engineering teacher is probably really nice and... hot as hell? How this one came to my mind?_ ”

Charles shook his head to get rid of intrusive thoughts and walked into the _White Rose_ café.

It was nice inside. The interior was decorated in a modern style. In the centre of the main room there was a bar with a few comfy stools. Small, round tables were cleverly arranged on a navy blue floor. Walls were blue and white. Glass vase with white roses found its place on each table.

It was still few minutes to six, so Charles had to wait. He picked one of the tables near the bar and sit there. Raven waved to him from opposite side of the room. She was accepting an order from some guy. Less than a minute passed, when someone stood in front of him and blocked the view of his sister. Charles looked up. He just couldn't believe. It was him. Mr. Substitute.

“Hey! I know you, right? You work at the university.” The man said with with a big, bright smile on his face.

“Um...” Charles didn't even answer before the stranger sat down at his table with a cup of coffee. Xavier had no chance to object. He was just sitting there open-mouthed, staring at that strange guy. His eyes were really mystery and beautiful. He had never seen them so close.

“My name is Erik. Erik Lehnsherr. I saw you in the morning. Remember me?” The man asked.

Charles had to come back to reality, so he blinked several times and finally closed his mouth.

“Yes. I'm Charles Xavier. I lecture genetics.” He was very surprised, that all of these words went through his throat.

“You run fast.” Lehnsherr answered with mischievous smile on his face. He was amused by Charles' expression.

“W-what!?” Xavier exclaim that a little bit too loud, because he also attracted the attention of people sitting in his vicinity. After that, he blushed so much and quietly decided to shut his mouth. Charles didn't know what Erik was thinking about him, when he saw his show. Probably that he just fled from him. Even more embarrassing was the fact, that Mr. Substitute saw him staring at him. Is there any other way to explain how could he recognize him?

“Easy, boy. I think you need some fun. How about that blonde girl in waitress uniform? Oh, God. She's hot. If you don't like her, she would be mine.” He leaned over the table and dropped his voice a little.

Charles followed his eye, although he didn't want to look at anything else but him. Suddenly, that beautiful, magical moment cracked like a soap bubble, when Xavier saw Erik's object of sighs. It was Raven. Charles felt a surge of anger. He clenched his fingers into a fist.

“I like her very much. She's my sister, asshole!” Charles was no longer interested in opinion of other people. He leaped up of his place, nearly overturning the chair.

“Charles, what is it?- In that moment Raven walked up to their table. She looked worried when she saw her brother condition. She didn't know him like that, so her first reaction was a thought, that something serious just happened. She didn't miss too much.

“Raven, I... um...” He turned his eye on the girl, but suddenly intense headache just caught him. He couldn't help it. Darkness went in front of his eyes, swallowing Raven's face, cosy café

interior and all the surroundings.

 

* * *

 

Charles woke up in a strange, unknown room. When he open his eyes, bright light dazzled him. There was too much light. It was pouring inside by the window and filling the whole white room. Charles just realized, that he was laying in bed. Slowly, he began to understand. That place was a hospital room.

“Mr. Xavier, your health condition is serious. We've found a tumour, placed in the brain stem.” Doctor Wagner said some time later, when he came to see his patient.

“Tumour? You mean cancer?”- Charles couldn't believe what he just heard.

“I'm afraid, that it is highly probable. We need to do additional tests like biopsy. Did you recently felt recurring, severe headaches, Mr. Xavier?”

Charles didn't answer. He was shocked and stunned. He had never thought, that the problem of cancer could ever touch him.

 

* * *

 

In the evening, when visiting hours were over, Raven returned to home. Charles couldn't do the same thing. It was disheartening to him. Actually, next morning he was surprised, that the sun came up again, like nothing happened.

It was about noon when Charles had an unexpected visit. He was reading one of his new book, which Raven brought him yesterday. Suddenly he saw the door of his room was opening, and there he was. Tall, slim, attractive man from the cloakroom. He was still looking great.

“Hey, little man.” He sat on the chair next to the bed with a little smile on his face. Charles couldn't say a word. He was just staring at him. Once again. It began to be ridiculous, so he just looked down and then he noticed a medium-sized box in Erik's hands.

“Oh, it's for you. I also informed university office, that you need a few days off.” After these words he handed him the gift.

“Thank you, Erik. To be honest, I didn't expect you to do that.” He admitted truthfully and looked at the box. Suddenly, his bright, blue eyes sparkled.

“Oh! Plums in chocolate. I love them!” But how could he know? Did Raven tell him?

“They're my favourite.” He answered with even bigger smile than before.

Next hours they spent together. Talking, laughing, sharing memories and sweets. Finding a common language didn't take them a lot of time. Charles forgot about his disease for a while.

 

* * *

 

In a few next days Charles could think only about two things. First one: Is Erik going to visit him once again? Second, and sadder thought was about the tumour, which turned out to be malignant disease.

“We need to operate as soon as possible.” Doctor Wagner told him once.

“Oh, What if I refuse?” Charles' heart skipped a beat. He was scared and lost.

“I predict death during a few months.” Doctor's voice sounded sorrowful.

“I'm... I need to see my sister first.” He said, tremble with fear.

 

Raven didn't help him to make a right decision. She was crying and acting like he was already dead. Charles was even more terrified, than before.

 

* * *

 

Next morning Erik showed up at the hospital with serious expression on his face. It didn't need to be genius to guess that he already knew.

“Hello, little man. What's up?” He seemed to be depressed but still trying to smile a little. Charles appreciated his efforts. He wouldn't know how to act in such a situation. Erik was trying to do it property.

“My name is Charles. Remember?”

Erik gave him a short, weak laugh.

“How could I forget? Run fast, fall hard.” He tried to keep a smile on his face, but his eyes were full of compassion and pain. Why there was so much of that? They barely know each other.

“ _I would rather fall in love._ ”- Charles thought secretly, looking deep in his dusty blue eyes.

“So... they say, you are sick.” Erik began, when the room was filled with a awkward silence.

“They?”

“Doctors.”

“I have one doctor and he would never tell you that.”

“All right. Raven told me.”

Charles looked away. Meaning of that worlds was clear. Erik met Raven. Why? Why couldn't he look at him, like he was looking at her? Just for one moment.

 

* * *

 

That day in the café, Erik was confused, when Charles suddenly hit the ground. He had no idea what to do. People tried to help. A dark-haired girl jumped out of the support area with a glass of water, but the panic was increasing when Charles couldn't regain consciousness. At last Raven call an ambulance and Erik picked him up to move his inert body outside. He didn't want to waste any time for transporting him with stretcher, when the ambulance will finally arrive.

“God, he's so tiny.” Erik thought, unmoved by his weight.

Charles couldn't know how Erik was feeling, carrying him with his own arms and next, sitting with Raven in the hallway to hear, that he still didn't wake up. He also couldn't know how warm feelings his beautiful, azure eyes were evoking in Erik's heart.

Lehnsherr put earphones of a mp3 player into his ears, like he used to do always, when he was alone.

 

 

[x](http://youtu.be/KEe_71Hy0V0)

“ _People fall in love in mysterious ways_

_Maybe just a touch of a hand_

_I'll continue making the same mistakes_

_Hoping that you'll understand”_

 

 

Walking down the street, he just let sweet melody caress his ears and soul. It helped him to find way back to his own world. With a little gleam of the setting sun on his back, he was going home.

 


	2. The Boyfriend

Erik got home but he didn't left his problems behind. He was shaking with emotion, couldn't even put his key into the lock. It was too much for him. Lehnsherr had to take several deep breaths before he finally could get inside. First thing, he decided to do was grab his laptop and search the entire internet looking for information about the brain cancer. There were a lot of them, but Erik discover that he didn't have sufficient knowledge about the tumour. He became acquainted with many different kinds of nervous system tumours. After reading all of these terrible, distressing informations, Erik gave up. Suddenly he just shut his laptop down and reached the phone. He chose the correct number from his contact list and started the connection.

 

* * *

 

Right after the end of her shift, Raven took the bus, going to visit Charles at hospital.

She was there, in his room, when her phone rang.

"Hello, Erik?" She answered, standing up and leaving the room for a moment.

Charles heard that very clearly. Erik was calling Raven.

“ _It's over. They're dating together. What was I thinking?_  "Charles chastened himself in his my mind, but it didn't relieve his pain at all.

When the girl returned, she had a troubling surprise in the form of Charles' pained expression. The reasons, that his face was always unbelievably cute, watching sadness on it, had to be so hard.

"What is it, Charles? Is something hurt you?" She asked with concern, taking her place next to the Xavier's bed.

When he looked at Raven, his eyes was filled with tears. Recently he lamented a lot because of his situation. After a few days of that, tears began to appear in his eyes at the slightest problem. Anyway, he didn't feel like a bad guy, who was going to steal his sister's boyfriend.

"It's nothing. I just I cry too much." He said, wiping his wet eyes.

"Better tell me about your new boyfriend."

"Oh... How do you know?" The girl looked surprised. Just a moment later, slight blush spread on her face.

"I have my eyes, Raven. Does he treat you well"

"Oh, yes. He's amazing. We have to go somewhere. The three of us. After your operation we'll choose the day, okay?" She was excited. That view grieved Charles even more, but he was trying, as hard as he could, to keep smiling.

"It sound good, but I didn't make any decision in case of operation." He answered unenthusiastic. Charles was a terrible liar. He always believed, that emotion come from the heart. Not from will or need. Pretending emotions is a falsehood and, in Xavier's dictionary, false means awful. That's why Charles didn't want to lie.

"Don't be silly. Let me know next time. I want to be here with you." After these words she got up from the chair and leaned over Charles. She skimmed his cheek with her lips, barely touching it.

"Goodbye, Charles. I'll see you tomorrow." She said with a gentle smile, rubbing his arm to reassure him.

 

* * *

 

After a short conversation with Rave, Erik didn't learn too much. She obviously had less information than he managed to gain.

"Damn! She's useless." He exclaim very loudly, tossing the phone into the apartment space. It landed on the floor under the bed. A few hours later Erik was too busy, killing sorrows and sense of helplessness with alcohol. Bending over a glass of whisky, he didn't noticed his phone vibrating under the bed. He used to mute it because of his work but now the sound was needed to break into his harmed mind.

“ _Why it has to be him?_ ” He thought, pouring into his throat the last sip of alcohol.

 

“ _Why?_ ”

 

* * *

 

Charles' condition was getting worse day by day. Psychical condition, of course. He was torn between being a good brother and chasing his own happiness. He began to understand that Erik is someone special for him, but he also knew, that Lehnsherr didn't like him in that way. Pain of unrequited love wasn't enough for him. He had to by dying too.

Erik didn't appear in a next week. Charles tried to call him once, but he didn't answer. He thought, that Lehnsherr probably had something important to do, so he gave up.

During that week, Charles has made a big decision. He decided to allow doctors for operation. Charles really wanted to talk Erik before he land on a operating table, but when he reached the phone that day, he couldn't chose his number. Thought about Erik holding Raven's hand, kissing each other and cuddling, prevented him from calling him.

Charles was scared and lonely. Raven came to hospital, as she promised, but right before operation she had to wait in the corridor. When cold, fearful darkness engulfed everything he could see, glimmer of fear flashed in his eyes. A moment leter he fell a sleep. Deep, cavernous sleep, without dreams and hope.

A few hours later Charles finally opened his eyes. What he saw, is the familiar view of hospital room. He was alive. Relief appeared on his face, but Xavier couldn't enjoy the moment too long.

"I have bad news. We didn't excised the tumour, Mr Xavier. It proved to be much bigger than we were thinking. Before the next operation we have to reduce its size." Doctor Wagner said hardly looking into Charles' hopeful face.

"Oh..." Moan of disappointment left his mouth. "What does this mean? Am I... going to die?"

"Death is a big word. I can not provide you, that you will recover, Mr Xavier, but medicine has its ways to fight against cancer. Chemotherapy and radiotherapy for example."

He knew these ways. He also knew how toxic and hazardous they were. Just with all of their side effects, weak human body might not be able to survive. Charles took a deep breath.

"It looks like I have no choice. When should we start?"

Doctor respond to his worlds with a comforting smile.

"Good decision. Tomorrow we start irradiation."

"Splendid..." Charles said with half a heart.

 

* * *

 

Erik had to admit, that drowning his sorrows in the middle of the week wasn't that great idea, as it seemed to be at the first glance. Morning of the next day was horrible. Malaise, undying thirst and terrible headache didn't help him much. The worst thing was the need to go out. Work couldn't wait.

He had a glass of water, took a quick shower, put some fresh clothes on and he was about to leave, when he thought about the phone. It took him a while, to find out where it could be.

"There you are, you little shit." He said, reaching the lost thing under the bed. Then he discovered that there was one missed call.

"Damn it..." He said with a sense of uselessness, after seeing who called him yesterday. Lehnsherr wanted to be helpful, good friend but suddenly one thought occurred to him. He was the one useless person in Charles' world.

When Erik left his apartment, he had a nasty feeling, that the sun was shining more intensely than ever before. He had a sensation of being condemned by each part of the environment.

First, he thought that he should visit Charles in the afternoon, but after work he changed his mind. The feeling of his own uselessness was still bothering him. In that way Erik began to perceive himself as unworthy of Xavier's friendship.

Anyway he couldn't resist seeing Charles so long. Erik decided to visit him a few days later. He just went to the hospital and walked into his friend's room. All what he saw, was empty bed with fresh sheets and no trace of Charles' stuff.

Suddenly, a frightening thought sneaked into his mind.

“ _Is he already dead?_ ”

For one moment Erik just lost his temper. When he found himself back in the corridor, he griped nurse's slender arms firmly.

"Where is Xavier!?" He shouted at her, jiggling her petite body. The red-haired woman in a white smock was scared. To make things worse, she dropped holder with medicines, which she was carrying. There was no way for Erik to get off, unpunished for his behaviour. Security forced him to leave. However, he found out, that Charles was discharged.

It seemed that, Erik was going to let the whole world know how bad and troublesome he could be.

 

* * *

 

Charles was at home. He decided to take a few more days off. Doctor Wagner advised him to do that, because today he was after first radiation. He learned about some nagging side effect, which he should be geared to stand.

A few hours ago, Raven went to work, but yesterday she gave him an awkward show at the hospital. She was thinking, that touching cancer during operation and not excising it, could make tumour grow faster.

She could ask Charles first. He was trying to explain patiently that cancer cells replicate uncontrollably even without contact with any medical stuff. She wasn't listening. She never was. But today she made things even worse. Charles couldn't see any other option, than just wring his hands.

About noon he was going to call Erik and talk a little. Talking is not dating. He could do that without any sense of guilt, couldn't he?

Then his phone rang first. It was Raven.

"Hello, Raven. Are you having your lunch break yet?"

"No but I will in about half an hour. How are you feeling?"

"I'm okay. Just thinking about... going somewhere... Yeah! For a walk." He was still terrible liar.

"Oh... I see. Actually, I wanted you to come here and meet my boyfriend at last."

"I think, I already met him but okay..." He got a bit sad.

"Don't be silly, Charles. We're waiting for you."

"Okay. I'm going." He said and hung up. Before that conversation he was excited by a chance to hear Erik's vice. That sexy, breathtaking voice and his beautiful accent. Now he looked at the phone gloomy. He was about to know officially, that his crush became someone else's boyfriend.

He started to getting ready for the lunch.

“ _Uh, it'll be okay. At least I'll see him. It's even more, than I was expecting._ ”

 

* * *

 

At the cafe, there was friendly atmosphere like always. People were having fun with their friends. Talking, laugh. When Charles went inside, he saw even a few couples. He couldn't help feeling, that everybody had somebody, but him.

"Charles!" Familiar sight of beautiful, blonde girl, smiling at him, has taken his attention for a moment, after that Xavier's mind returned to someone else. He waved at his sister. Next he discreetly looked around. Charles didn't see Erik but he was almost sure that he would noticed that man, no matter what. Finally, he walked up to Raven and then... what a big surprise!

She guide him to a table by the window and the person, who was sitting there, was definitely not Erik.

"Charles, this is Hank. My boyfriend." She said, showing him tall, slim man with short, dark hair and glasses on his nose.

"Charles Xavier. So nice to meet you!" He was rapt. Just a moment ago Charles was convinced of his misfortune, but suddenly everything changed. The man offered him his hand, but Charles was so happy, that he chose to hug him.

“ _So nice to meet you. You have no idea..._ ” Charles thought, couldn't stop smiling.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I decided to bring a small misunderstanding ^.^  
> I know, there are still plenty of mistakes. Hope you forgive me.


	3. Troublesome man

In a few days after lunch with Raven's boyfriend, Charles began to feel very weak and tired, but he didn't want more days off. He woke up at seven, and started his preparations to go out. Shower, breakfast, a little teeth brushing...

Charles smiled at his own mirror reflection. He was weakened but happy. Everyone could see that, just looking in his deep, azure, gleaming eyes.

At work he finally met the reason of his happiness. Erik was standing in front of coffee vending machine, buying his favourite espresso. He took a deep breath and walked up to him.

“Good morning, Mr. Lehnsherr.” Charles said very cheerful, lancing his hands together behind his back. He was shining with his smile like a little ray of the sun.

“Hello.” Erik's heart was melting with that view. He smiled back and took a sip of his coffee.

“Um... I was going to my lecture.”

“That's why we're here.”

“Oh, Right...” Charles started to feel nervous. What he used to do in all such situations was biting his lower lip, which looks totally adorable.

“ _God! Why is he so cute?!_ ” Erik thought desperately.

“I have only one lecture today. When you end up?” He said, this time out loud.

“At 1 p.m. Why?”

“Cause I have irresistible desire to go out with a friend. Interested?”

“Ah! Sure!” Charles was very enthusiastic. For him, it seemed to be the happiest day for a long time. Finally, some good news.

“What about cinema?”

Charles preferred theatre performances but he didn't want to ruin that moment. He was so excited. Like a little boy, who just got the coveted toy.

“Can't wait.” He answered. Work was waiting, so he had to leave Erik on the corridor and go to lecture hall.

Lehnsherr's eyes automatically went to his friend's butt. He caught perfect chance to enjoy beautiful views. Suddenly he realized, that the most important problem didn't disappear. Actually, it was much harder thing to handle. Erik looked down, on his coffee. There he saw his own face's reflection with a very pained expression. He couldn't decide if dating Charles was a right decision, or not. It could be a tall order. Erik felt lost. What if Xavier would need his help and he couldn't give it to him? He wasn't good at helping people, or even himself.

Erik wanted that lovely man so much, but he didn't know if he can offer him what he needs.

 

* * *

 

Erik deliver the goods. When Charles finished his lecture, he was there.

Xavier's eyes were smiling. He had that pleasant, warm feeling inside. Their eyes met. Everything was fine right now.

“Are you... ready?” Erik asked, when Charles finished putting his cloak on. First, he wanted to ask about his feeling but it could be not so right question. Probably everyone was asking about that. He wanted to be the one, who Charles needs him to be.

“Hm? Oh, yes. What film did you choose, Erik?”

“A comedy. Hope you like it.”

“Of course. Everyone loves comedy.”

It was a good choice. Erik didn't think about it much. He just decided that comedy would by the best option, as long as he didn't know his taste. One more thing to catch up.

So they went to the cinema. Erik has made his choice perfectly and their shared afternoon just had to be brilliant. Charles was focused on the film plot, so he didn't notice, that Erik was staring at him. Not all the time, but most of that.

Right after the film, Charles was fascinated. It couldn't just end up so Erik offered him a ride. He would accept that offer, even if it wasn't about driving car.

“Want a piece of cake?” Erik asked when they ware walking next to a cake shop,on the way to his car.

“I am so sorry, Erik, but I have my diet.” Charles said a little confused. He was forced to remind himself the bitter truth about his disease. He sighed.

“I didn't know.”

“I'm sorry I just... Uh, never mind.”

“It's not your fault. Charles. We don't need more sugar as long, as you're here.” Erik gave him a mischievous smile.

“Don't mock me, Erik. I'm still a man and...” He paused for a moment, when Erik wrapped his arm around Xavier's shoulders. Charles suddenly stopped walking and blushed. There were just a few steps to the car, so Erik walked up to it, and opened the door for him.

“Are you going to stay there?” He smirked a little and then, took his place behind the wheel.

Charles couldn't really say what he just felt. Actually he should be incredibly happy. It looked like him and Erik were going to be closer and closer. Wasn't that the thing, he wanted the most? It should be like Christmas to him, but it wasn't. There was a problem. He himself was a problem. What if he will die? Erik will be left alone.

With a broken hart.

Why they had to meet just now? Charles was feeling like the worse person in the world. There was no doubt. Erik still deserve a good, long life with someone, he would love. How could he just took a chance for happiness away from him?

Charles was tormented by doubts. He looked at the open door of his friend's car. It was like a opened heart.

“ _It's just a ride back home. Nothing more.._ ” He has thought before his legs, led him straight to the car.

 

* * *

 

“Wait! Why did you stopped? It's not my place!” Some time later Charles shouted in panic. There was no reason to get nervous, but at the first sight it gave a different impression.

“I know, but it's mine!” Erik said very cheerful and jumped out his car.

Erik apartment was huge and decorated with a good taste. Anyway, there was something, that Charles couldn't understand. How much money did he spent on such a beautiful place to live? The most interesting question was: How could he got that much money? Xavier just realized, that Erik had to be unbelievably rich. Every thing in his apartment was branded. It made Charles suspicious.

“Erik, where were you working before?”

Lehnsherr laughed carrying cup of coffee for himself and cup of tea for Charles, to the coffee table in the middle of the living room. He leave cubs on the tabletop and sat on the couch, next to his friend.

“Here and there.”

“Seriously, Erik. This apartment must cost you a lot of money.”

“Let's just say, I received obscenely large inheritance.” He said totally pleasant with himself. Charles didn't believe him, but he understood, that Erik won't tell him the true as yet. The only thing he could do was hoping, that his friend is rather a lucky man, than a criminal.

“So... What do you do in your free time? I didn't ask you that.”

“Shame on you, Mr. Xavier. It's a crime against a good conversation.” He was laughing. Charles couldn't stop thinking about all of his money, but he must admit, that Erik had a gift of distraction.

“I don't know what you want me to say. I play a guitar.” He admitted at last.

“A Guitar? That's amazing! I'd love to hear you playing.” Charles said excited. That was the one thing, that helped him to keep his thoughts far from any doubts about Erik's richness.

“I'll see, what I can do.” He answered proud of himself. These kind words from Xavier's mouth increased his confidence a lot. Erik never felt like interesting person because of his playing skills.

Long time ago, before he became a mature man, Erik had been a bit of a handful boy. After his parents death, he had been rising by his aunt and uncle. He used to bring them a lot of trouble but he was just lost. One day young Lehnsherr had decided, that he want to be a rock star. It was stupid and selfish. At least his uncle proved him that.

“ _You are a fool! Terrible at everything you touch! You will always be zero. One hopeless Zero!_ ” He used to repeat. So that's why Erik decided to be Somebody. In such a case no one would find any reason to humiliate him again. Dreams about rock career drowned in the sea of passing years, but he didn't ever stop playing. Shortly afterwards he started working. Erik knew exactly what to do with his own money. He bought old, acoustic guitar from second hand. His Friend gave him a few lessons and retuned it, but after that he was playing only for himself. Just a few people knew about his hobby. Lehnsherr was considering it as a very personal thing, which he didn't want to share with others. Until now.

He was gone for a moment. When he came back, there was a black, classic guitar in his hand. Shiny and very trim.

“What do you want to hear?”

“I don't know... Hmm, play me something special. A melody, which means much to you. I don't need to hear any popular song. I want to hear your heart.”

“Okay, then...”

Erik was touched with that request but he didn't get used to show his feelings. The man just sent his friend a gentle smile and then, he started to [play](http://youtu.be/J0l1mORAnbc). His fingers was caressing strings with a unbelievable facility and precision. Charles was enchanted watching him. He was keeping his eyes on Erik's hands and intently fallowing their moves. In the silence. It seemed like even his heart stopped beating for a moment, to not disturb the artist. Charles didn't want to be in any other place right now. He wanted to become part of that art. He wanted to be the guitar. Stroking, caressing and touching lovingly by Erik's hands.

“And? What do you think?” After about four minutes he stopped playing and asked.

-That was beautiful, Erik. I saw a soft part of your soul. Sensitive and unusual.- Charles said with dreamy eyes. His interlocutor didn't know what to say. No one ever told him something like that.

“It... I...” He was mumbling confused.

Charles, seeing that, beamed at him. The view of Erik in such a condition, was funny to him. He didn't have any chance to know him from other side. It appeared, that Charles really got to another part of his nature. That one, which was the most private and hidden.

Xavier just reached his tea and took a small sip.

“I'm sure, you could be a great musician.”

That short sentence, brought him back to the real life. After years of being mocking and damning because of his dreams, Erik couldn't believe... He knew, that Charles wouldn't lie to him, but the true was never easy. That was the one thing, Lehnsherr learned during his life. He couldn't choke out a word.

“I think, I'm going home soon.” Charles said after a while of silent.

“I'll take you there.”

“No. You don't have to. I can do it on my own.” He dropped his gaze, looking at a surface of the tea and clutching a porcelain cup. Charles didn't want to make any problem. In fact, he was very grateful, that he can still do simple things without any help. One day, it could change.

“Okay, whatever you want, but now you're still here so... maybe want to try something new?” Erik asked, moving the guitar toward him.

“Oh! Are you sure?” He looked at the instrument and his owner. Xavier was doubtful but eventually he took the guitar from Erik, very carefully. Charles was trying to hold it exactly like his friend done it before, but he didn't believe, that this could have any sense.

“Turn around.” Lehnsherr advised him a little amused. He needed to have Xavier close enough, so he could guide his hands precisely.

“I don't know if this is a good idea, Erik.” When Charles turned his back to him, Lehnsherr got closer, leaning his face down to the Xavier's shoulder. As an answer Charles held his breath but Erik didn't stop. He placed his palms on hands of his friend. One of them he led to the guitar's neck but Xavier didn't care about the neck of any guitar in the world, when he was feeling Erik's breath on his own one. It was as incredible as awkward. Charles' body was stiffened. That stiffness could be felt in his movements. Erik noticed that without any problem.

“Charles...” He started but at this moment, Xavier lifted his head and looked at him with his deep, azure eyes. Suddenly, Erik lost all of his willing for that lesson, or he just turned it into something else. Strong, intensive desire to have him right now, instead of the guitar. It was too much. He couldn't help that. Their faces was separated by only a few inches, so he just moved closer to meet Xavier's lips. They were soft and warm. That was what Erik felt, when he placed a gentle kiss on them. It was beautiful but short experience. After that, Erik gave him a while, that he could draw back if he would like to, be he didn't.

Firstly, Charles was just looking at him like he was under a spell, but then he kissed him back very passionately, putting down the guitar. He wanted to have his hands free during the kiss.

Erik took the initiative. He caught the fretboard of his guitar and put it on the floor, next to the couch. Charles was free to turn toward his friend. They were so hungry for closeness of each other.

“Erik... It will hurt...” Xavier panted into his mouth, when Erik placed him on his lap. He was straddling him, with his arm around friend's neck.

“What?” Lehnsher ask with no interest in the answer. He was absorbed with the kiss and his own desire, so it was the worse moment for a serious talk. Charles ignored it.

“Being with me...” Suddenly he broke the kiss off to look into Erik's eyes. It was sure, that he was worried. Charles didn't ever wanted to be the reason of somebody's suffering. He couldn't bear such a sense of guilt, watching a fear in Erik's eyes when his disease will progress. On the one hand, Charles wanted to save his friend from pain, but on the other hand, he couldn't forbid him anything. There was one more important thing- he loved him. Secretly, deeply and helpless.

“Listen to me. If anyone in this world had to hurt me, I want you to be that person. I want you, Charles. No one else.” Erik didn't even know when he had made that decision. However, he was sure that those words were flowing straight from his heart. There was no doubt, that it was truth, keeping with his feelings. He really wanted Charles to be someone special. Not just another love story. He wanted him to create the story, which will give his life the one unique meaning. Charles was spellbound by his confession. For the moment, he couldn't find any counterargument so he just indulged in pleasure.

“Play me. Play me like a guitar, Erik.” He told him between groans of excitement, when Erik's fingers was sliding across his skin.

 

* * *

 

Right after their moment of forgetfulness, Charles was confused. He'd never slept with someone, who made him so much doubt. It was reckless and selfish. He didn't used to act like that. Xavier didn't even notice when he became capable of such behaviour. It was troubling him.

“What are you thinking about?” Erik said, bursting on Charles' thoughts. He had his arm wrapped around Xavier's body. They were snuggling together on the couch for a few minutes, after they had made love. Erik was happy and relaxed, but Charles seemed to think so loud, that it almost disturbed him.

“The thought process often takes place outside of our consciousness, Erik. A lot of research confirms that.” He answered him with that convoluted sentence, totally natural. It was the thing abut Charles. He didn't even know, when started to be nerdy.

“I don't understand what are you talking about.” Erik said, shaking with laughter. He wasn't a comfortable pillow for the moment so Charles lifted his head and looked up.

“I'm sorry. Next time I'll try to not bore you.” He answered quickly, with a awkward smile on his face.

“So I just fucked a nerd. That was probably my first time.” Erik couldn't stop himself from laughing. He considered Charles as unbelievable cute person. Even when he was like that.

“Don't be vulgar, Erik.” He admonished him with a friendly voice. Charles was a peaceful man. Argument wasn't necessary. Especially in such a beautiful moment. He rested his chin on a Erik's chest.

“I love you, Charles.” He admitted unexpectedly, running his fingers through his hair. Xavier closed his eyes and then, his mouth shaped a gentle smile.

“I love you too.” Xavier said almost inaudibly. He was overcame by a feeling of inner warmth. It was love. He could be sure.

 

* * *

 

Next days were passing as the most wonderful part of a fairy tale, when everyone is happy and story is going to end, but Charles knew, that their story was nothing like a fairy tale. Actually, it could be like one, if the happy ending wouldn't be so important. That was the essential difference between what it should be and what it was going to be.

“Why can't you think about yourself, Charles? Sometimes it's good to be a little selfish.” Raven told him once. It was the day before his second session of radiotherapy.

“I'm not like that, Raven. Uh... I shouldn't tell you.”

“Of course, you should! You still need love like everyone. The fact that you are ill doesn't mean, that you have to avoid pleasure. Erik is a lucky man to have you. Aren't you happy to?”

“I am, but...”

“That's it! Don't complain, Charles. Sometimes people wait all life long to meet their perfect match. You just have that.”

“Yes, but...”

“Oh, please! Don't you see that you're lucky? Even if you can't enjoy that feeling too long, it's still your chance... a gift. You mustn't miss it.”

After those words Charles stopped trying to deny. Raven was right... in a manner of speaking. However, she couldn't see one, important thing. Erik will suffer after his death. Who will help him? There will be no Charles to wipe his tears. He already was feeling like the one person to blame. Not to love.

 

* * *

 

“Mr. Wagner, will I really die?”

“It's too soon to confirm or deny that. I'm sorry.”

“But... Is the therapy working on me?”

Doctor looked down at his desk and clasped fingers of his hands. Charles was following every move of that man. He just wanted to be sure. Nothing more. Doctor's body language and all of that things, he didn't tell him, made him think, that his condition was getting worse.

“Like I said, Mr. Xavier. We have to continue our therapy. It's barely second session.”

That argument didn't appeal to Charles. Why everything had to be about time? The one thing, that he didn't have.

 

* * *

 

After radiotherapy he took a day off. Soon, he discovered, that it was a very wise decision.

A few hours later Charles started to feel terrible. It was nagging but he decided to be strong. Xavier took one of his favourite book and started to read it. Page by page. Chapter by chapter. Time was passing slowly and steadily. About 5 p.m. suddenly he became very sick. That feeling forced him to vomit instantly. It was awful. When Charles was bringing up all of his dinner, he felt like also his stomach wanted to leave his body by the throat. Nothing pleasant but thanks God, Raven was at work so she couldn't see him in such a condition. At the end of the show, Charles was exhausted, sweaty and frightfully pale. When he was sitting on the cold floor in the bathroom, broken, with no strength, his telephone rang. One good thing was, that Xavier always had his phone close at hand. That time was no different.

“Yes?” He answered weakly. Charles was barely able to pick up the phone. He didn't even look at its screen to see who was calling him.

“Charles? Are you okay?” Familiar voice on the other end of the line seemed to be worried. It was Erik. The one person who shouldn't had any chance to contact him right now.

“Um, Erik. Can we talk later? I don't feel very well.”

“Is it because of radiation?”

“Yes, I think so. Can you hang up? I need to rest.”

“Only if our next talk will be in your apartment in the space of an hour.”

“No, Erik. Don't come here. I'll be fine.”

“You don't sound like the one, who's going to be fine left alone.”

“Erik, listen. You can't see me now...” Charles really wanted to have Erik by his side, but he also wanted to save him unpleasant view. There was a silent on the other side, for a while.

“Wait for me, Charles. I'm on the way.” When Erik spoke again his voice sounded so serious, that just listening to him caused a sudden wave of shivers. Xavier had no choice, but wait for him just like he wanted him to do, but not on the floor. He knew, that he must put himself together but it was so hard, when all his strength had left him. Finally he stood up and went to the kitchen, where he decided to make some herbal tea, which he wasn't fond of.

When Erik appeared just as he promised, Charles was watching how the worst tea in the world was getting cold.

“I told you to stay at home. Raven will be back from work soon.” Xavier welcomed his guest on the doorstep. His appearance hadn't changed much. He still had his sickly look. Pale, weak and even dejected at that moment.

“God, Charles! You look like death. What can I do to me you feel better?” Erik didn't listen. Was that a kind of epidemic? No one was listening what he wanted to say. Was he that boring? Erik closed the door and came up to Charles. He wrapped tight him with his arms. When they both sit down on the couch, Xavier felt some kind of relief. It was feeling better to be close to that unbelievably disobedient man. He left his side only for a moment to find a blanket. When Erik came back, they were sharing it. Soon, Charles's mood began to improve as he was cuddling with his beloved under the soft, warm blanket and his heart full of love. Television sound was reverberating softly in the background. One of pointless talk shows was lasting in the middle distance of their minds. Everything was in the distance to them. There were just them. Nothing else. Their closeness, warmth, love and happiness.

“Couldn't always be like this?” Charles whispered, burying his face in Erik's neck. Lehnsherr didn't know what to say. It was hard question. He felt a slight stab of pain in the heart. He would do anything to stop that moment for him. Why can he?

 

* * *

 

Next day Charles was going to uniwersity, when he met Erik outside the building. As soon as he saw him, Xavier thought, that it would be fitting to talk about their afternoon under the blanket. He had fallen asleep yesterday and woke up in the middle of the night. Charles was in his bed at that moment, with Erik sleeping next to him. Suddenly he smiled at his thoughts. It was the most beautiful thing, he had ever seen.

Standing at a distance from Erika, Charles noticed that he was passing one of students a mysterious package and received money in return. Lehnsherr looked around to make sure, that no one had seen that. Then, their eyes met. Charles had his suspicions of the pack. When he saw surprise mixed with fright on the face of his friend, Xavier was almost sure about what just happened. He frowned and started to go toward the front door without hesitation. He was planning to go straight to the dean's office. Erik was frightened about what he can do so he fallowed him in desperation, finally catching him. Lehnsherr dragged him around the corner and pressed against the wall.

“What are you going to do, Charles? It's not what it looks like.”

“Don't lie to me! I know what I saw.” He was trying to free himself from his grasp very fiercely. Charles was disappointed and terribly angry.

“You don't! Please, listen to me first.” Erik was feeling stressed. He couldn't force him to stay there for so long, because someone could notice that soon and he would be in trouble anyway.

“Go away from me, Erik!”

“You love me, right!? Why can't you trust me!?” Finally he took his hands from him, but Charles didn't run away. He just looked straight into his eyes with a huge anger.

“I don't know you. You are not the same man, who held me when I couldn't stand on my feet and who was carrying me to bed when I was too weak. That sweet, good man doesn't stuff students with drugs.” He lowered his voice a little. Charles was aware of trouble, which he could make him with scream.

“I... I wanted to stop, Charles. When I met you...”

“Don't. Just let me go.” Xavier said depressed, turned him back and started walking away.

“Will you extradite me?” Erik exclaimed to leaving man. Charles stopped for a while and looked at him. He couldn't believe, that after what happened, Erik was still caring only about his good name. That ultimately determined his decision.

“I don't want to be a part of this.” He said and after a few minutes Erik was left alone.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had some problems with this chaper but I hope it's suitable for reading. ^.^"


	4. The lost tear

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chaper is Charles POV and the next one will be about Erik's point of view.

I have never been that kind of person, who has a tendency to self-pity. I didn't have an easy life. Sometimes it was really hard to take another step toward future, but every little thing carry some difficulty. Nothing is for free, but it's not like we have to only pay. Life is not always easy but there are plenty of reasons, why should we appreciate it. Many amazing, ecstatic moments. People like to say, that the moments are evidence of their living. Isn't that every breath? Every dose of air flowing into their lungs? Really? Even pain after break up can make you feel alive. Cutting your finger, while you are sorting old papers too. I think, that even the most boring life is worth living. The one I lived was like that. Until I met Erik Lehnsherr. Speaking of reason, he was my reason. For everything... For smile, for hoping, for being like never before. He made my heart sank, when he was silent and one second later, he could make it just jump with joy, seeing smile on his face. Eh. I can't even tell you how depressed I was, when Erik showed his real face. In my wildest dream, I've never seen him doing such a stupid and awful thing. I didn't... I don't understand this. Why? And why university could recruit such a person? To be honest, I can't be sure about his education and PhD. Erik was very rich so he could do everything, but again why!? Why would he want to teach? That man is like enigma to me. I don't know what is true about him and what isn't. It was painful when I said him “I don't know you”, but I feel like it's the one thing, that I can be sure of. I really don't like it. I preferred to cuddle with him and let the warmth of his body distract my attention from the rest of the world. His arms were like wonderful, undiscovered, exotic island to me. Can't they be forever?

 

* * *

 

I haven't seen Erik for a long, long time. Long time... I mean maybe a week, but it was still hard to know that he didn't show up probably because of me. Or maybe he was in trouble. I couldn't believe what I was doing. Missing him? Worrying about him? I was ridiculous... wasn't it?

One day in the bathroom, before I went out for work, I ran a hand through my hair. Much to my dismay, I discovered, that my hair started falling out. Doctor Wagner warned me about that but I didn't feel like that could be a real threat. Until now. I spread my fingers and some free hair dropped lightly to the floor. I was staring at it and couldn't believe. Am I going to be... bald?

“Don't worry, Charles. You have a beautiful face. The lack of hair shouldn't bother you.” Raven said once, but after that I haven't felt any better. She had no idea what is she talking about. Raven was beautiful. How could she understand the perspective of looking ugly in the next few weeks or even days? Of course, she couldn't.

I got to the university a few minutes before my lecture. When I was in the lecture hall I started preparation for doing my things. I didn't really care about students that day. What happened in the morning was still hard for me to swallow. When the clock struck nine, I ran my presentation on the screen and looked up, into the lecture hall. Then I saw him. In the middle of central row. Erik was just sitting there, in his place, staring at me. When I noticed him I couldn't say a word. He came to my lecture. Probably it wasn't about his need for education or indomitable desire for knowledge. He came for me. In that moment Erik gave me a gentle smile and one second later my heart was melted.

Finally I looked away and started my lecture. I was trying not to look in that part of hall. I had a huge problem with keeping my mind on the right topic. My eyes almost always went up to the place where Erik was and I just couldn't concentrate. Especially when I was feeling his gaze on me all the time. Damn you, Lehnsherr!

Anyway, lecture had to end at last. That was the moment of truth. I started to pick up my thing as fast as I could, but it was still too slow...

“Hello, Charles.” Erik said, leaning his hand on a desk. That hand was the first part of his body, I saw. My eyes slid along his arm until they reach Erik's face. He looked calm and relaxed. Totally not like I was inside.

“Hello.” I took my briefcase, feeling a little bit nervous.

“And bye.” I said, planing to just walk away but I couldn't, because Erik grabbed my arm. His grip was strong and firm. My eyes went to his hand and next to his face, again. I had to look upset, because just after that I felt like the grip was gone.

“Wait. Give me fifteen minutes. One coffee in the cafeteria or in any other place. You decide.”

I sighed. My heart was beating so fast and wildly.

“I don't know, Erik...”

“Come on. It's just a one break.”

I looked away, to see the last group of students, which was leaving the lecture hall at the moment.

“Okay, but it's just a talk.”

“Of course.” Erik nodded satisfied and we went to the cafeteria. I picked a table for us. By the window, away from other people. It was good that in the morning there were not much people inside. Erik ordered a cup of black coffee for himself and one of tea for me. Finally, he came back with our drinks and took a seat across from me.

“Thank you.” I answered, taking my tea from him. As it turned out, Erik wanted to get to the point right away.

“I need to explain a couple of things.” He began, lacing fingers of his hands together, on the table top. It was time for him to talk, so I was going to be silent. I didn't know what could he explain but I promised to give him the last chance so...

“It's hard as fuck.” Erik said a bit resigned. His choice of words made me grimace involuntarily. Anyway, I realise, that he couldn't take it without me help.

“I believe you, Erik. Just tell me why you do this.”

“For money of course. Well, it was for survival first. Chemistry was the only thing which I felt confident about.”

“Wait! So you don't just trade.”

“I trade and produce.- He admitted quietly.”

“Hm... I see, you have to be talented in many different fields, but it doesn't impress me now.”

“I'm truly sorry, Charles. I should tell you everything but I was afraid, that you wouldn't like to know me, if I tell you.”

“You were right. Speaking about your... wage, I saw your apartment and car... You have a lot of money, don't you? So why you...”

“I think, you know the answer. I was greedy. I experienced the taste of the richness and got lost of it.” He interrupted me but when Erik was talking, I felt like he was really sorry. I saw his sense of guilt and contrition. Maybe he learnt something?

"Say something, Charles."

“I... I have only one more question. About your work here. Is that a kind of cover?”

Erik paused for a moments. Just like he was fighting his own thoughts. I was almost sure, that Erik wanted to be honest but after that, I lost the feeling. I looked like there was still something to hide.

“Not exactly.” Erik looked up, straight into my eyes. I felt a shiver on my skin.

“It was for you. Actually, I was spying on you. First time I saw you was at the cafe. I learned, that you were a frequent guest at there. Every waitress knows. I wanted to meet you closer than a guy, you met once at the cafe.”

“Stop for a minute, Erik! Are you teacher or not?”

He gave me suggestive look.

“If you are rich, you can do many things without any effort.”

In that moment I felt like he was going to break my heart one more time. I couldn't blame only Erik. I myself, wanted him to tell me the truth. No matter how painful it had to be.

“So you were lying not only to me... I don't fell any better, Erik.”

“I know, but it's truth. I don't want to hide anything. I can also say that I didn't like Raven's look, when I said that. I only wanted to catch your attention.”

The last piece of information made me feel better but I had to keep my mind clear. Some time ago I would be incredibly happy to hear that, but not now.

“Is that everything you want to say?”

“No, Charles!” Erik was totally alarmed by my worlds. Everything seemed to be clear. Was I wrong? Probably it was, because he wanted to stay with me. I didn't know why, but I knew why I wanted the same thing. My heart needed his voice, eyes and warm arms. I missed him.

“I'm going to quit, so this is my last week at work. I have a one way ticket to Germany.”

“W-What?” That world run out of my mouth before I was able to hold it. I knew why he should leave the university. I mean, my mind knew that, but a part of me didn't.

“I wanted to say goodbye, Charles. You changed something inside me. I realise, that most of all my life was wrong. I need to make it right. I think, thanks to you, that I know how to do this.”

My heart was bleeding. I couldn't stand the look of Erik's shining eyes. I left him days ago but I didn't think how hard it had to be for him. So I... I hurt him. With that knowledge I felt even worse.

“Charles...” Erik said when I didn't answered. My eyes was full of tears. I could feel that, when I looked up.

“I'm sorry, Erik.” I sniffed and wiped my eyes. Also my voice didn't want to get along with me. It was shaking.

“So I won't see you again...” After that Erik looked a bit confused.

“Charles, I thought, you don't want to see me anymore.” Erik said without understanding of that situation and then, he reach out to me with a open hand. He wanted me to hold it just to give me comfort. I saw it in his eyes.

“I wish I could want that. It would be a lot easier, but I can't when I miss you so much. “ I said that more to myself than to Erik. I really needed his touch in that moment, so I put my hand into his one.

“I tried, Erik. I tried so much, but I can't be mad at you. Especially, not if you're acting like this. I feel like I'm going to forgive you every crime, but I have no idea why.” I was so lost and helplessness. How could I let him go without me forgiveness? It wasn't like I gave it to him, because I should. I felt it... I was feeling like each part of my body and soul were forgiving him. I've never felt anything so clear and honest.

“I understand you.” Erik said at last. He surprised me with that confession.

“Do you?”

“Yes. I feel the same. You could hurt me all the time and I would never leave you because of that. In fact, I'm sure, that you would be rather concentrate on helping me. Even if I'm a hopeless case.”

“If it's the truth, than why you want to leave?”

“Because I hurt you all the time and I started to hate myself for that. You have no idea how you look like when you suffer. I can't stand that. I thought, you'll be better off without me.”

“Really, Erik? You would be ready to make yourself suffer to save me from that?” I was touched and still couldn't believe in my happiness. My happiness had a name- Erik Lehnsherr.

“That's right.” He didn't just hold my hand after those worlds, he also started to stroke it slowly and gently.

“I need you but I'll sufferer anyway. I'm dying, Erik.” I felt his fingers clenched tighter on my hand.

“You're not going to die.”

“What if I am?”

“I'll be there for you.” Erik promised and that almost took my breath off.

“What about your flight?”

“What flight? I have something more important to do.” Erik smiled at me and I had to admit that he had one another talent. The gift of make me feel special. Nothing was more flattering to me.

“Let's get out of here.” Erik offered with his dirty smile, so we left our table, without even taste our drinks. I dismiss my second lecture so we could go somewhere. No matter where. Being together, enjoying each other, was the most important thing.

 

* * *

 

A few hours later, after pleasant walk in the park, we were laying completely naked in the Erik's bed. I felt really satisfied but not only with sex... or maybe “sex” has always meant something different for me. It wasn't just a physical experience. Not with Erik. It was more like connecting with somebody's soul, using the power of body, pleasure and love. That's why there was no chance for sex without love and that's why I didn't like it, when Erik wanted to close all of that in one, simple word “fuck”. Sex without love is always pointless, in my opinion, and the atmosphere of that beautiful experience dies when you call it “fucking”.

Erik was laying next to me, caressing my hair like he used to do. Can I say that he used to do something after making love, if we only did that a second time? I don't care. It was like a first and thousandth time in one. First because of the intensity of the experience and thousandth, because we were communing with each other with trust and faithfulness like we had to learn ourself for many years.

There was some time to delight in what we shared. When I was laying next to Erik and he was busy playing with my hair, he had to discover, that they were falling out. He preserved very cleverly and sensitively, stooping himself from telling me about that.

 

* * *

 

“Mr. Xavier I am obliged to inform you that your cancer is not treatable.”

“I... I'm... I'm sorry, what?”

“The therapy, which we used proved to be ineffective. Tumour is growing and we can not remove it, because it infiltrated healthy tissues. It's too late, Mr. Xavier.” Doctor said with a painful expression on his face but his sympathy didn't make me feel any better. Just the opposite.

“No, no... Just no! It's not the right time.” I said plaintively, covering my temples under the palms.

“I'm afraid, that it would never be the right time for something like this. Today you will receive the last dose of radiotherapy. Alternative can be to the experimental chemotherapy. Think about it, please.” He said, got up and before leaving, he just put his hand on my shoulder. I was in shreds. It looked like a punishment for trying to make myself happy in love. The worst thing of that was inevitability of hurting someone else. Someone innocent and someone, who shouldn't have something to do with that.

 

* * *

 

When I got home there was no a living thing.

“ _Good_ ”- I thought, before I reached my bed. I didn't want to talk with anyone. What could I say? Days was passing like this. It didn't take much time to my hair to disappear.

Raven was so worried. She tried to talk with me many times but I didn't feel strong enough to tell her about inevitable death. Once, I heard like she was calling someone. Her voice sounded desperately. Well, She was almost crying and I could understand a world of what she was trying to say. I heard only my name but only without that I could guess what is the main topic of her conversation. A few days before I would be terribly worried about her, but now I was just... empty. Out of emotion. It was like I lost ability of feeling anything. I didn't feel Raven's affliction. I couldn't even feel guilt because of that. I used to be so empathic person but this part of my nature died.

Several hours later the door of my room opened. I was laying on my bed, facing a window so my back was turned to the entrance. I didn't see who was my quest. Until he spoke.

“Charles... What's wrong with you?” It was Erik, of course. His voice sounded so strange. I couldn't say what kind of emotion it hid. It looked like I was loosing not only feeling emotion but identification too. Words like passion, anger, sadness meant nothing to me. They were just an empty phrases without any definition. When I found it out, I couldn't give Erik any answer.

“Raven called me. She said, that you don't feel well.” He came closer and sit down on the bed, right next to me.

“I don't feel...” I said without giving him even one look. I wasn't mad at him. How could I? It requires feeling, isn't it? I was like Erik bended over me to see my face.

“Oh, God. You look like shit.” He said glancing at me like I was the most scary phenomenon, he'd ever seen. Maybe I was. To be honest, I haven't been interested in looking at my mirror reflection.

“Whatever, Erik. If you can heal me, go ahead. If you can't, better go.” I knew that he couldn't but Erik had a different opinion on that topic.

“I'm going to try. Get up. You can't stay here.” He decided and what could I do? I didn't want to leave my apartment and even room but I did.

It was cold and cloudy outside, so I was wearing navy blue hoodie. I wanted to hide away from the world, and also from Erik, so I put the hood on. Anyways, I knew that he was staring at me all the time, when we were walking in the park. Erik found a beach next to a majestic willow.

“Now tell me what is wrong.” He asked me, when we sat on the bench, placing his arm along the bench's back.

“I just finished my treatment, Erik.” I said, staring at an empty space somewhere before me.

“So? You're well now, right?”

“I'm not, Erik.- I frowned. It was good moment to scream the truth in his face, but I didn't feel like that. Finally, I sighed and tried to continue in the right tone.”

“My doctor said, that I'm going to die, so I probably am.”

Erik was so shocked. Even I could see that, looking at him. I decided to give him few minutes to put himself together. It worked... kind of.

“How? We need to find you another oncologist!”

“No, Erik. It won't...”

“I will change everything! You don't have to do anything. I'll take care of that.”

“Erik! Every doctor will tell me the same. I don't want to go through that again!” I shouted at him and that shut him up, but a few second later something unexpected happened. Erik, that hard, adamant man, started to cry like a little boy. He was so helpless, leaning his head on my shoulder. I put my hand on his back but it was all what I could do. He was crying but not I. I couldn't even if I wanted. I just couldn't shed one poor tear. What it said about the value of my life?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please, tell me if you want me to continue this story, because I write it for you and I really need to know that.


	5. Angels' homecoming

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As I promised, this chapter is going to show you some facts of the story with Erik's eyes. Enjoy! ^.^

I remember the first day, I saw him. It was in that lovely cafe next to the park. He was sitting in the table next to the window with a book in his hand. The story absorbed him so much, that it seemed like the whole world stopped exist to him. What can I do, as a part of that world? It would be a crime to tear him out of his own world. I decided to just watch him for a while. I saw him grabbing the cup's holder and lifting it to his amazing, red lips. I started to regret, that I didn't sit closer to see his wet lips in all their glory. Suddenly a blond girl walked up to him and... eh. She took him out. Since that day, I couldn't stop thinking about that guy. I knew nothing about him, beside that he was special. I stated to visit White rose cafe often. Social contacts have never been hard for me, so I met some new waitress to get information about that tea lover. I was lucky, because, as it turned out, he used to visit the cafe almost everyday and everyone knew him. That was how I found out what is his name, job and many other things. Anyway, I preferred to get him know personally. One week later I became his workmate. It was a great coincidence to hit the chance for replacement exactly where he works. 

I wouldn't try so hard just for fun. At first I didn't know, that I'll love him soon, but something told me to not give up. It was going to be worth the effort. I felt it. Love caught me shortly after that. I don't quite know when. Maybe it was the moment, when I took him in my arms for the first time, or when I kissed him? I have no idea what made me fell into him so much and deeply. Now, I have the sense, that in the whole world it doesn't exist someone else, who could do something like that to me. He'd changed me. I don't know how, but he looked into my heart and found something inside , I've never seen. Part of my nature. The last good one, which the world didn't kill yet. I didn't know, I had it before I've met Charles. 

 

* * *

 

“Erik, why are you still around me?” He asked me once, totally depressed. His breakdown was lasting so long and I couldn't help him. Believe me, I tried. 

Charles was sitting on the edge of his bed, collecting himself to stand up.

“What you mean?” I was really afraid to ask him that. Charles was so introverted, since he found out, that his cancer is incurable. Every time, he decided to speak first, it was almost sure, that it's going to be dangerous conversation.

I was sitting in front of him in the armchair, next to the bed and waiting for the answer, doubtful.

“I look ugly. How can you still want me?” It was ridiculous, but he sounded so serious.

“You're beautiful to me, Charles. You've always been. From the first time, I saw you.” I just told him the truth, hoping that it will be enough.

“But my hair... is gone.”

“I see, it's going to grow back.” I got up and sat next to him. It was clear, that his hair will be back in a few month. He finished his radiotherapy and never started any other treatment. Doctor insisted on that. Me too, but he didn't want to hear about it. To be honest, I don't quite understand why. Maybe he was just too tired. That was how he looked like. 

“Too slow...” His voice was permeated with sadness. It hurt me so much. I took a deep breath and wrapped him with my arm. I also placed my fingers on his chin to turn his face in my direction.

“It's ok, Charles. Don't distress yourself with something you can't change.” I was trying to calm him but his eyes were sorrowful. It was too much to look into them, so I bent his head slightly and placed a kiss on his bald, pale skin.

Everyday was the same. Charles didn't talk to much so it was fucking hard to guess he was hiding inside. Something was seriously wrong but I couldn't help without knowing the reason.

We didn't talk. We didn't have fun. We didn't make love... When it was our last time? I didn't remember. Every time when I started kissing him, he held me back. That was all. I knew, I should understand his difficult situation, but how could I do this if Charles didn't even want me to know what is going on with him?

That was why one night I went out and call to my old friend- Emma. She accepted my invitation for dinner. We went to an Italian restaurant. It was nice to see her again but all the time, I was thinking about Charles. He needed me but maybe he also needed some space to breath. I've been spending every minute by his side, but it didn't helped him at all. Maybe one night off would be good for both of us. I didn't finish that meditation, before I found myself with Emma in my apartment. It was only a matter of time before we started fucking. Just like the good old days, when we didn't have any obligation. It wasn't that I wanted to cheat on Charles. I just needed love, closeness, passion... but sex with Emma tasted bitter that night. When she left, I was sitting on my bed naked. Covered with nothing else but shame. Suddenly tears came to my eyes. It was probably my curse and punishment. I thought so, before I was faced with the need of looking into Charles' eyes. It was hell. I couldn't tell him... I couldn't. 

 

* * * 

 

I've done with dealing drugs some time ago. I had some unpleasant conversation with former clients from time to time, but I was sure, that it was nothing. I wanted to be a better person for Charles. Anyway, I needed to find another job. Real, legitimate job. I had some savings so I didn't need that job right now. I put it in cold storage to have time for my angel. I was going to make some of his dreams came true. I got that idea, because of my sinful soul, for sure. How bad could I be?

-Pack your bags up. We're going on a little trip.- I said, walking into his room. Then I stood in the doorway able only to look at Charles. He was... crying. I couldn't believe my own eyes. He had told me about his feeling, when we were talking. Long time ago. As I walked closer, I noticed something in his hands. It was a tablet. I've never seen it around. That explained the crap of papers on his bed. Was it a kind of gift?

I closed the door and sit next to him.

“Charles? What is it?” I asked but he never answered. Just handed me the tablet. On the screen I saw a video ready to play so I touched the play icon. Oh God... it showed me and Emma in a clear situation . How could it be? There was no way to deny what the video was about, so I stopped it and looked up to meet Charles' wet eyes.

“Thank you, Erik.” Those words surprised me like nothing ever did. 

“What?”

“I needed that. You know... some kind of shock. It made me feel again.” He smiled through the tears, although it wasn't the right time. I felt awful with the stigma of infidelity. It couldn't be truth, that cheating on Charles could have good consequences. That was a big mistake and only my fault.

“Stop making fool of me, Charles. I cheated on you.” There was a silence for a while and then Charles looked down and took a deep breath. I couldn't stop starring at him. It was no need to make fool of me. At that moment I already was one.

“That's why I need you to leave.” He said without looking at me. I couldn't felt how hard it was for him. I've never been empathic person. Anyway, it was clear that my misdeed hurt him. I was bad man. It's true and now I can see that, but I've never been that bad, to explain my guilt with words of person who is my only victim. They were far from truth.

“I don't understand...”

“Just leave, Erik. You know, that it feels...somehow. However it doesn't feel good so... just leave.” All of that words, Charles said still looking away. I knew, that it would be the best to respect his wish. I only wanted to place a kiss on his cheek before I go, but he dodged my lips. 

“Take this...” Charles said a little quieter. Just like his voice has partly stuck in his throat. He handed me the tablet with that ill-fated video. It was my burden so I took it from him. There was no other way to show, that I accept my guilt and I feel sorry. 

I had no idea what happened after I leave Charles' apartment. I really wanted to be there for him but what can I do? Finally I called Raven and asked her to go home and look after Charles. As you can guess, I also had to tell her the rest of our story. Oh, God. That woman is really not for me. I couldn't stand her hysterical inclinations. Uh, too annoying for me. It was no chance for me to be good enough for Charles, according to her, but who cares? As it was clear, that she's going to see him, I hung up. It didn't matter if she likes me or not. Everything was up to Charles.

 

* * *

 

I didn't contact Charles for a few days, but I didn't mean that I wasn't possessed with an indomitable desire to see him or hear his joyful, sweet voice. I was missing him.

I discovered a camera in my apartment. As it turned out later, that was a revenge of my old customer. Damn him! I'm going to live a honest life. 

Back to Charles' case, my patience has been rewarded, when one day my phone rang. I was about to leave for a little shopping, but before that I managed to pick it up.

“Yeah?”

“Hi! It's me... Charles.” I didn't expect to hear him so I had to sit down on the kitchen chair. I was so surprised.

“Charles.” I said with a sweet softness in my voice. That was how I used to say his name. Just like the most beautiful word in the world, describing something gorgeous and precious. Saying this word I could feel the pleasure of having it on my lips. Charles...

“How are you feeling?”

“Let's be honest, Erik. I'm not calling you to hear, that you care about me, because you already showed me that. I want to know why.” Silence on the other end of the line, made me feel an unpleasant tension.

“I was feeling lonely and rejected, because you didn't even talk to me. Like I was useless item. I was trying, so hard, to understand you but I couldn't reach you. No matter what I was trying to do, all that you were doing is laying in your bed faraway with your sight suspended in a space. I just wanted a human touch, warm feelings. You gave me the real warmth and placed it in my heart. When it was gone I was trying to find something similar. Reflection of that feeling.” After I said that there were no reaction from Charles for a long while. Only thing I could hear is his breath.

“Now I see... I've done a terrible thing to you.”

“It's your right to be depressed in such a situation. I shouldn't do what I've done, anyway. Nothing justifies me.”

“You're right but I didn't mean depression. I've hurt you in a different way. I've gave you my love and brought your heart back to life. If I wouldn't do that, you won't be enslaved by desire of that feeling now. You probably don't see that, because the effect is the cause at the same time.” He was right... partly. I didn't know what is he talking about.

“I don't feel like your love could hurt me.”

“I know, but it can. It always could and it will... in the end.” The last words he said brokenly. I started to understand that he was trying to hide with those confusing sentences. He was scared of death. Once again or maybe still. I should be by his side right now. 

“I'm going to your apartment. Wait for me, Charles.”

“I'm not there.”

“What? Where are you then? Don't you want to see me?”

“I really want but I can't. I'm in a hospital after my last pain attack. They give me a lot of medicines but the most ironic thing about it is that, no medicine is going to heal me. I'm dying, Erik. I can sense the breath of death on my neck. There is no time to uncertainty and procrastination for us. I love you but I also feel disgust for what you've done. I would like to see you, but I could touch you after that. I'm happy sharing my love with somebody, but I also feel sorry about that, because that love is going to turn into a huge pain. You don't deserve it, Erik.”

“I need to see you, Charles.” I answered. There much more to say but at that moment it was all, that I could say. The silence on Charles' side gave me hope but his words destroyed it. 

“No. Not not. I'll call you again soon... I-I hope so. All you need to know is I forgive you. At least mentally.”

“So why you need more time?”

“I'll always need more time, my dear.”

After that he hung up. I tired to contact Raven to get know where could I find Charles but she didn't want talk to me. It wasn't surprising, to be honest. I was mean to her. What left me? Waiting... loosing time, which I could spend with him. The time, which couldn't be returned to us. The dream about our trip fell apart in a blink of an eye. All, because I had to be so stupid to cheat on person, which I love the most. The height of folly.

 

* * *

 

That damned period of time had to end at last. Charles called me once again, as he promised. He asked me to visit him in a hospital. Saying that, he sound even more subdued than usual so I got my car and drove it straight to the hospital. One pretty, almost too nice, nurse showed me Charles' room. Of course, I found him there. When I got inside, relief fell on me like a blessing.

“Charles...” I said, when I saw him in the wheelchair in front of a huge window, which took up most of the wall.

“Erik?” He sounded so lost and insecure. I didn't know what's wrong. It seemed like Charles didn't has a chance to get used to the wheelchair, because he had a little problem with turning it away from the window. 

“Wait. I'm here.” I came closer and crouched in front of him, placing my hands on his thighs. I looked up to catch his eye and then I saw that... His eyes were empty... dead. He didn't look at me but somewhere above my head. Expression on his face was eloquent. He was just terrified. 

“Charles, are you okay? Your eyes...” I asked him, totally scared of what I saw. 

“I'm afraid, they aren't okay. They're so fucking far from okay.” It looked like he couldn't hold his feelings any longer. Two streams of tears flowed across his cheeks. Unconsciously, I placed me hand to one of them. Little, warm river of tears was flowing between my fingers. Charles covered my hand with his one, pressing it even tighter to his hot cheek.

“I... I only wanted to see you.” He said inarticulate, because of emotions and that, how his body reacted to them.

“I know. Damn it!” I tried so much but I was helpless, when tears started to flow also into my eyes. I had to be strong! Why I needed to fuck up even such a simple thing!?

Charles leaned forward slightly and his forehead met mine. We were so close each other, trembling with grief and desperation.

Some time later, he told me what happened. Charles had an attack of headache a few days ago. The pain was that hard, so he couldn't see very much. First, It was like in the case of migraine symptom, but it haven't gone. What I heard is also, that his cerebro-spinal fluid was infected with cancer cells and doctors Wagner has discovered several new tumours by the spinal cord. Charles said, that it would explain the limb weakness. He told me everything, he knew about his physical condition. I didn't need to ask how is his mental condition, because I perfectly knew that. 

Next week, Charles left the hospital and he moved to my apartment. I offered it to him, when we were still in the hospital, but we've made that decision together. Officially it was for a convenience, because building with my apartment was more modern and also more accessible for people with disabilities. Anyway, it wasn't for comfort of moving by wheelchair. It was for us. The last chance and this time, we knew how to use it property.

A lot things has changed since the last day in the hospital. Charles had to learn how to live without one of the most important senses. I was helping him, as much as I could. He was happy. Again. He regained his hope and the eternal optimism. There are a few changes in topics of our conversations. We didn't talk about the death. Talking about his disease, we didn't see it as way to the end, but as part of our life. I think... Charles has accepted his destiny but I didn't. Without debilitating treatment he revived. Only week or two after leaving the hospital, Charles looked a lot better. He wasn't that pale and weak. I knew it wasn't part of his nature, because he started to smile and shine with joy. We went for walk with sunglasses. Charles wore it to feel more comfortable between people and I was doing exactly the same thing to avoid the sense of being distinct. 

We were happy, you can believe me. After my cheat Charles had told me, that he forgive me mentally. Well, he forgave me also physically.

We've made love so many, many times but it has always been about love, not just fucking. I finally got what he meant. 

I'd like to say, that our story takes forever, but it doesn't. After a period of pure idyll, Charles started to feel worse and one day his heart just stopped. I don't know why. I don't know how. Doctor said that it was the cancer, of course. I was shocked and when I came home. I've known, that it's going to happen but... I still have the right to feel like that. 

Some times letter Raven has visited me.

“Hey. Before you'll say anything, I'm here, because Charles asked me for a favour.” She wasn't nice or friendly so nothing changed. I saw an envelope in her hand. She hand me it and next hour we spend with cups of coffee and a surprising nice conversation. I understood, that Charles wanted us to get know each other. Even after his death, he was still trying to straighten my life. It worked. I also understood, that Raven isn't a monster. Moreover, she was going through the same things as me. Charles helped us to find a connection. It was him. We both loved Charles and at that moment we both feel the same thing. Painful, unjust helplessness.

When Raven left my apartment, I opened an envelope and started to read the letter from Charles. I couldn't wait for that moment, because in the neat, white envelope had to me words of someone special. His last words to me. 

 

_ Dear, Erik! _

 

_ It was a while, since we've met for the first time. It wasn't love at the first sight. Actually, it wasn't love at the second sight too. I don't know when exactly I fell for you so deep.  _

_ Last months were hard for me. I've lost everything, which was important for me. I've stopped believe in love, happiness and in the good side of living. Next, I've found your hot, beating heart. That was what I really needed. Even if I didn't knew that, at first.  _

_ My love to you became the one thing I was sure about. I couldn't feel sure even about my chance to live. Just try to see that with my eyes. Can you feel how much our love meant to me? _

_ Anyway, I need your forgiveness. I was so selfish, saddling you with my problems. It wasn't like me. I'm so sorry, that I took those several months from you. I don't know if it's a reason to forgive me, probably not, but I love, what I got. God, I've became so selfish by your side.  _

_ Another thing. I've heard was, that I changed you. I've never meant it, Erik. You are perfect for me. There was nothing to be change in you. Everybody take bad decision sometimes but it doesn't make them bad people. That's what I think.  _

_ It's some kind of goodbye letter, right? I should write something touching and filling with hope, so... You know that I'll always love you, right? After that, what is inevitable, I wont you to throw out all of my things. You don't need them. Keep only our photos. If you want to celebrate existence of your love sometimes, you sit and play that song, which you played me the first time. I've never knew why is that song important to you but I would like to be connected with something, which means a lot to you.  _

_ Remember me. _

 

_ Charles _

 

It was too much. I promised myself to be hard but, in such a situation, it was pointless. My body was shaking, as I tried to hold my tears back... ineffectively. Oh, Charles. What have you done with me? I was crying like a baby and being ashamed of that didn't even cross my mind. If he was there... no. Just no. I could let him see me like that. 

 

It was very difficult time for me. Especially the funeral. Charles wanted to be buried here, in New York, where he was born, living and... died. That day I saw him. Laying in the coffin wearing his the best suit. He was looking so peaceful with his eyes closed and friendly expression on his face. When I was standing by him, only one thought came to my mind. He was just sleeping. In a few hours world will see his beautiful, azure eyes again. It must be truth, because without those eyes would will never be as bright and colourful, as it was before.

I've been just staring at his beautiful face, knowing that it was the last time. Why? Maybe because angels must go back to heaven one day. That's where they belong and Charles was like one of them. Definitely. I just loved him so much. My heart was empty without him.

Once, in a crowd of strangers, I thought, I saw him. Light of the sun was falling softly on his face so I could see his warm smile and shining eyes. He reached out to me and when I was about to take his hand, someone poked me accidentally. I followed that person with my eyes for a moment. When I look up again, there was no Charles... no even sun. The sky was impermeably clouded. Sometimes I still see him beaming so sweet and carelessly, but only in my mind. 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And here we are c: The last chapter. Hope you haven't cried too much ^.^  
> Next story is going to be happier, but now I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart. Thank you for reading, because I wrote this story only for you, my readers <3


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